this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
