I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
