Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
