remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
