Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
