I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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