Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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