I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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