I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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