Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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