Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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