You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
