I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
