I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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