be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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