i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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