Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
