Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
