I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
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She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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