I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I have aggressive nipples.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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