apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
