I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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