I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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