True but thats because hes a fetus.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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