I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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