Four minutes until I can fart!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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