Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
