I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
