Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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