A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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