I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
