I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
