Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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