Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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