Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
