Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
