its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
