Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
