I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
