Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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