i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
