My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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