I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
