If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
