I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
