I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
