I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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