11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
