"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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