Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
