I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
