I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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