please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
