Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
