it wasn't lemon gatorade
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
