She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
