why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
