i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
